LOS ANGELES and NEW YORK – Alert passengers were lauded late last night when JetBlue Flight 672 from Los Angeles touched down at JFK International where an inflight plane-wide swine flu crisis was avoided.
The trouble began soon after the flight had taken off from Los Angeles International Airport when a man, sitting in seat 11a, coughed slightly. Passengers immediately began screaming, with cries of “run, he’s got the SWINE FLU!” Despite the seat belt light still being lit, virtually all passengers on the left side of the plane began crowding over to the right, causing the pilots to seize manual control of the aircraft to avoid going into a barrel roll.
The man, 51-year-old Ted Bahr, of Laurel Hollow, NY, reportedly jumped up, saying he didn’t have the flu but was on the tail end of a really mild cold, but this did not fool the heavily-warned travelers. According to eyewitness accounts, at that moment a woman screamed, “and,….he’s got a HANDKERCHIEF!” which apparently was the final straw for three rugby players from Ireland who made their move amid the chaos, tackling Bahr and wrestling him to the ground.
The three Dublinites then dragged the man to the back of the plane as he continued to protest and swear that there was no way he had the flu and was not contagious. Bahr was then quarantined for the rest of the flight in one of the rear cabin bathrooms and denied all forms of snacks – even the Terra Blue potato chips - by nervous flight attendants.
Center for Disease Control Director Millard Fillmore praised passengers, saying that this kind of quick thinking and reaction can prevent the epidemic from spreading, saying, “this just proves it’s not a hysteria, just a prudent response.” Eight year-old Chauncey Quinn claimed to have “nailed the guy in the face with a hand sanitizer spray as he went by,” high-fiving his father, Edward Quinn. The rest of the flight was uneventful save the continuous knocking and pleadings from the locked bathroom. At JFK, a hazmat team removed Mr. Bahr from the lavatory following a quick evacuation of all the other passengers.
The H1N1 virus, also known as the swine flu, has killed 1,489 people over the last six months, which, despite being a far lower total than virtually any other flu strain in history, seems to have lodged in the public imagination as the Great Scourge of Our Time.
Call Me Hank Stamper
Did you ever read “Sometimes a Great Notion” by Ken Kesey? Yes, the Ken Kesey with the psychedelic bus. Before the Merry Pranksters and after his successful “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest,” Kesey penned this novel, one of the great works of American fiction, a sprawling tale of the struggles of a northwest logging family, the conflict between brothers, the small independent logging company the family owns and their fights against larger timber interests.
The most recurring metaphor in the book is fighting progress, alluded to in the form of the Stamper family home, which is built right on a bend of a great river that is constantly eroding away the property. Over the years the Stampers have built a crude series of barriers and wired posts and piers to prevent this from happening, but the river is relentless, as rivers will be. Some of the most vivid passages in the book portray the father and older brothers’ attempts to keep the river from destroying the property, typically out in the night in vicious storms, lashing the piers back together, fighting the river of progress, the river of change. The book was made into a film starring Henry Fonda and Paul Newman, with the original title embodying the philosophy of Henry Stamper, “Never Give an Inch.”
Out west last week, I was pitching print advertising (along with our online properties) to marketers who thought I had landed there from another planet. To one, print was so alien that he took a genuine interest in it. It was a novelty. More and more marketers just start conversations by letting you know that they’re not doing print as a matter of fact. Many of my competitors and fellow high-tech publishers have given up, letting the river flow, and you can see the results in the steadily eroding group of high-tech titles still in print. I can’t quite explain why, but like Henry Stamper, I refuse to yield. I refuse to bend to the times, to just accept the advertiser’s misguided notions that print is dead and not even worth talking about. While I’m happy to sell a few white papers at the end of the call, most of the time I’m taking them out to the woodshed to disabuse them of their anti-print bias -- whether they buy it today or not.
It’s up to those of us in the industry to stand up passionately for what we believe in and what we know to be true. The easy days of print as an accepted medium are over. Washed well downstream. But we know people are still reading our publications, and becoming aware of and interested in companies through the print ads. It’s up to us to lash together the arguments and fight. We’re deep into contract season and I’m getting on planes to visit customers. And not giving an inch.
The most recurring metaphor in the book is fighting progress, alluded to in the form of the Stamper family home, which is built right on a bend of a great river that is constantly eroding away the property. Over the years the Stampers have built a crude series of barriers and wired posts and piers to prevent this from happening, but the river is relentless, as rivers will be. Some of the most vivid passages in the book portray the father and older brothers’ attempts to keep the river from destroying the property, typically out in the night in vicious storms, lashing the piers back together, fighting the river of progress, the river of change. The book was made into a film starring Henry Fonda and Paul Newman, with the original title embodying the philosophy of Henry Stamper, “Never Give an Inch.”
Out west last week, I was pitching print advertising (along with our online properties) to marketers who thought I had landed there from another planet. To one, print was so alien that he took a genuine interest in it. It was a novelty. More and more marketers just start conversations by letting you know that they’re not doing print as a matter of fact. Many of my competitors and fellow high-tech publishers have given up, letting the river flow, and you can see the results in the steadily eroding group of high-tech titles still in print. I can’t quite explain why, but like Henry Stamper, I refuse to yield. I refuse to bend to the times, to just accept the advertiser’s misguided notions that print is dead and not even worth talking about. While I’m happy to sell a few white papers at the end of the call, most of the time I’m taking them out to the woodshed to disabuse them of their anti-print bias -- whether they buy it today or not.
It’s up to those of us in the industry to stand up passionately for what we believe in and what we know to be true. The easy days of print as an accepted medium are over. Washed well downstream. But we know people are still reading our publications, and becoming aware of and interested in companies through the print ads. It’s up to us to lash together the arguments and fight. We’re deep into contract season and I’m getting on planes to visit customers. And not giving an inch.
Man, 50, Forgets Sunglasses, Detained at LAX
LOS ANGELES, CA, OCTOBER 26, 2009
In a case of remarkably poor judgment, a 50-year old man was detained while attempting to disembark in Los Angeles without bringing sunglasses or eyeshades of any kind.
The white male, identified as Ted Bahr from Laurel Hollow, NY, was detained by US Homeland Security forces at the Los Angeles International Airport, where the security alert was raised from Yellow to Orange for the rest of the afternoon.
“Look, I’m sorry. That’s what I get for leaving New York early in the morning – it was completely dark outside at the time,” said the man, who pleaded to be allowed through security to shop at one of the four sunglasses shops visible further down the terminal.
“Clearly this individual was either incredibly naïve, or, more likely, planning some sort of terrorist action which would involve operating only at night. I mean, nobody flies into LA without sunglasses,” explained Airport Security Chief Jon Richardson.
Bahr maintained his innocence as he was led away to a strip search, “Look I just forgot, I can’ t possibly be the first one.”
Other passengers on the short hop from Las Vegas were as surprised as airport security, “How completely uncool,” scoffed actor and avid poker player Willie Garson, “he’d never survive in this town. Being taken into custody is probably for the guy’s own good.”
In a case of remarkably poor judgment, a 50-year old man was detained while attempting to disembark in Los Angeles without bringing sunglasses or eyeshades of any kind.
The white male, identified as Ted Bahr from Laurel Hollow, NY, was detained by US Homeland Security forces at the Los Angeles International Airport, where the security alert was raised from Yellow to Orange for the rest of the afternoon.
“Look, I’m sorry. That’s what I get for leaving New York early in the morning – it was completely dark outside at the time,” said the man, who pleaded to be allowed through security to shop at one of the four sunglasses shops visible further down the terminal.
“Clearly this individual was either incredibly naïve, or, more likely, planning some sort of terrorist action which would involve operating only at night. I mean, nobody flies into LA without sunglasses,” explained Airport Security Chief Jon Richardson.
Bahr maintained his innocence as he was led away to a strip search, “Look I just forgot, I can’ t possibly be the first one.”
Other passengers on the short hop from Las Vegas were as surprised as airport security, “How completely uncool,” scoffed actor and avid poker player Willie Garson, “he’d never survive in this town. Being taken into custody is probably for the guy’s own good.”
Playing Newsstand Shuffle
The games we play change over time. I wonder if my favorite magazine game has gone the way of stickball and “kick the can.” When I worked at Ziff-Davis in the 1980’s I was fortunate enough to be placed in a “loop course” type of specialized circulation class taught by the VP of Circulation and one of the industry’s most outrageous old school characters, Larry Sporn. Larry taught us a simple little game called “newsstand shuffle.” Basically, all you had to do was go to a newsstand, browse the magazines, and accidentally place your companies’ titles on top of your competitors’ magazines. The trick was to make sure you didn’t get caught by the newsstand manager but this wasn’t very difficult. It was a cheap thrill.
Where the game really got going though was the classic Mother of All Newsstands, that being the one at the edge of Grand Central Station, in the PanAm building (now MetLife). Here was a newsstand in the hub of The Great Commute – 108,000 people were estimated to be streaming through the building each day according to an article in the NY Times on June 18, 1984. At that point in time, the newsstand stocked more than 2,000 titles and sold 10,000 copies of magazines per week.
But volume was just half the story. This newsstand was smack in the middle of the magazine publishing AND ad agency capital of the world. Beyond just selling copies, it was critical that the hundreds of media buyers streaming by each day saw your title prominently displayed. Since so many magazine professionals walked through the station daily, Newsstand Shuffle here became a very lively game. If you stood and watched closely you could see people casually picking up an issue (or four), casually glance over their shoulder at the counter and then quickly shuffle the magazines to their favor. Sometimes competitors would be in the PanAm at the same time seeing who was willing to take a later train and get the last laugh.
Of course the next day, someone else had either fixed the stack or buried your magazine under Civil War News or something. So to win we had to compete almost every day.
Is anyone still playing?
Virgin America Announces Capital Upgrade Plan
NEW YORK, OCTOBER 21, 2009 -- Maverick airline Virgin America announced a series of capital improvements designed to improve the passenger experience of travelers departing from it’s JFK terminal.
“We’ve selected what we call the “Virgin” segment of the flying audience and decided to maximize their interaction with our brand,” noted Virgin CEO Richard Branson, who was wearing a bra, panties , and a purple wizard’s cape as he parachuted onto the roof of Terminal 4 for an impromtu press conference.
The announcement, involving at least $46,000 of expenditures, highlighted changes in colors, scents, and overall customer ambiance.
“To start, we’ve painted all the seats a deep dark red, just like Apple’s Bono IPod,” began Branson, “and we have instituted a new policy wherein at least two out of three stewardesses will be on board with virtually no experience serving passengers so they can maintain that sexily clumsy look, evoking sympathy from our passengers and taking their mind off the abnormally long flight delays. Really quite entertaining, “ said Branson.
Another exciting development which Mr. Branson was eager to demonstrate was the attachment of small replicas of flies inside the men’s room urinals. “See isn’t this fun? Target practice, “ smiled the diminutive elfin CEO as he candidly relieved himself in front of horrified reporters.
While apparently urged to open some sort of food emporiums that would serve breakfast in Terminal Four by his American project executives, Branson dismissed the need. “One of our larger investments in T4, as we call it, is an aromatherapy device that dispenses pleasing scents throughout the terminal. Our type of flyer is typically wan and starving anyway and will appreciate our catering to his or her sensitivities. And don’t forget the hip purple lighting onboard,” boasted the bearded executive.
When interviewed, exiting passengers seem confused, “don’t asked me how the flight was,” exclaimed an angry Clem Haskins from Covington, Kentucky, “two different flight attendants spilled drinks on me and I could hardly breathe with that there perfumy smell.”
Waiting passenger Toby Babcock was seen trailing a large carry-on bag back and forth from one end of the terminal food, “it took me 2 hours to get to the airport for a 6 hour flight with no food. What the hell are these guys thinking?”
When asked about this, Branson said that in order to project the proper European image, none of the restaurants would open before ten am, known internally at Virgin as the “continental policy.” “No hip European would travel by plane before late morning at the earliest – we’re simply bringing civilization here to JFK.”
“We’ve selected what we call the “Virgin” segment of the flying audience and decided to maximize their interaction with our brand,” noted Virgin CEO Richard Branson, who was wearing a bra, panties , and a purple wizard’s cape as he parachuted onto the roof of Terminal 4 for an impromtu press conference.
The announcement, involving at least $46,000 of expenditures, highlighted changes in colors, scents, and overall customer ambiance.
“To start, we’ve painted all the seats a deep dark red, just like Apple’s Bono IPod,” began Branson, “and we have instituted a new policy wherein at least two out of three stewardesses will be on board with virtually no experience serving passengers so they can maintain that sexily clumsy look, evoking sympathy from our passengers and taking their mind off the abnormally long flight delays. Really quite entertaining, “ said Branson.
Another exciting development which Mr. Branson was eager to demonstrate was the attachment of small replicas of flies inside the men’s room urinals. “See isn’t this fun? Target practice, “ smiled the diminutive elfin CEO as he candidly relieved himself in front of horrified reporters.
While apparently urged to open some sort of food emporiums that would serve breakfast in Terminal Four by his American project executives, Branson dismissed the need. “One of our larger investments in T4, as we call it, is an aromatherapy device that dispenses pleasing scents throughout the terminal. Our type of flyer is typically wan and starving anyway and will appreciate our catering to his or her sensitivities. And don’t forget the hip purple lighting onboard,” boasted the bearded executive.
When interviewed, exiting passengers seem confused, “don’t asked me how the flight was,” exclaimed an angry Clem Haskins from Covington, Kentucky, “two different flight attendants spilled drinks on me and I could hardly breathe with that there perfumy smell.”
Waiting passenger Toby Babcock was seen trailing a large carry-on bag back and forth from one end of the terminal food, “it took me 2 hours to get to the airport for a 6 hour flight with no food. What the hell are these guys thinking?”
When asked about this, Branson said that in order to project the proper European image, none of the restaurants would open before ten am, known internally at Virgin as the “continental policy.” “No hip European would travel by plane before late morning at the earliest – we’re simply bringing civilization here to JFK.”
Bloomberg and Business Week: The Future of Magazines?
Many years ago when I had the good fortune to work for Ziff-Davis, I read a quote from Bill Ziff about how publishing had changed. I’ve lost the quote but it went something like this:
“It used to be that our business was run by enthusiastic eccentrics - people who worked and lived day in and day out in their markets and hardly even realized that they were running a ’business,’ in the classical sense, at all.”
I brought this idea up speaking to a roomful of publishers at the Niche Magazine Conference in April – that the future may be linked to the past and that the magazines of tomorrow need to be published by independent entrepreneurs and smaller, dedicated companies.
Like Inc. Magazine, which was purchased a few years ago by Morningstar founder Joe Mansueto, Business Week under Michael Bloomberg can hopefully enjoy a life beyond the super strict demands of a publicly-held company like McGraw-Hill.
Essentially, Michael Bloomberg and Joe Mansueto can afford to ride the economic ups and downs over time and frankly, can also afford to publish at a loss. Even though someone buys a professional sports team telling themselves that they can make it profitable, we all know the real reason is that they are a fan.
If the long-term future of magazines, the short-term will still be wrenching. All the private equity-held companies are reviewing terms with their lenders realizing that these much smaller businesses cannot support the debt. And the industry sea change toward an online world continues to claim many casualties. Yesterday’s shuttering of the former Commercial Property News by Nielsen brought another shudder: at Miller Freeman this David Nussbaum-created title was one of the biggest revenue producers and year-after-year the #1 most profitable title in a field of 60 in the 1990s.
It looks like time to bring on the enthusiastic eccentrics.
“It used to be that our business was run by enthusiastic eccentrics - people who worked and lived day in and day out in their markets and hardly even realized that they were running a ’business,’ in the classical sense, at all.”
I brought this idea up speaking to a roomful of publishers at the Niche Magazine Conference in April – that the future may be linked to the past and that the magazines of tomorrow need to be published by independent entrepreneurs and smaller, dedicated companies.
Like Inc. Magazine, which was purchased a few years ago by Morningstar founder Joe Mansueto, Business Week under Michael Bloomberg can hopefully enjoy a life beyond the super strict demands of a publicly-held company like McGraw-Hill.
Essentially, Michael Bloomberg and Joe Mansueto can afford to ride the economic ups and downs over time and frankly, can also afford to publish at a loss. Even though someone buys a professional sports team telling themselves that they can make it profitable, we all know the real reason is that they are a fan.
If the long-term future of magazines, the short-term will still be wrenching. All the private equity-held companies are reviewing terms with their lenders realizing that these much smaller businesses cannot support the debt. And the industry sea change toward an online world continues to claim many casualties. Yesterday’s shuttering of the former Commercial Property News by Nielsen brought another shudder: at Miller Freeman this David Nussbaum-created title was one of the biggest revenue producers and year-after-year the #1 most profitable title in a field of 60 in the 1990s.
It looks like time to bring on the enthusiastic eccentrics.
A Trip to the Newsstand
Lunchtime brought me to the newsstand at my local independent bookstore to see firsthand what the magazine landscape was looking like. There were far fewer titles than in past years, this fact poorly masked by stacking survivors directly over themselves in three rows. But some magazines were still going strong.
The latest issue of Brides Magazine topped out at about 496 pages. Now wait a minute – didn’t they…. Something is certainly badly wrong in Conde Nast-ville if they can’t bring expenses in line on this title, which as we all know is all advertising anyway. 500 pages and this is the off-season for bridal titles! Are all those ad pages really going to go into Modern Bride which wasn’t even ON my newsstand? No. Some will go to competitors while others will sadly just vanish.
Hemming Motor News was almost 600 pages. This is getting out of hand. Hemmings is almost all classified advertising for classic cars - the type of product that the Internet was personally hand-crafted to disintermediate entirely? How does this title keep thriving in print?!!
Another magazine bucking the trend was High Times. The venerable how-to guide for stoners was a beefy 138 pages with more growing lights, pipes, scales, soda-can safes, and “Indoor Hydro Superclosets,” than certainly I ever dreamed even existed. I guess there is still a decent market for, er, highly-focused niche titles, including this new one I noticed, “A Bear’s Life,” which is targeted at large, bearded gay men. Now that is a niche magazine!
The latest issue of Brides Magazine topped out at about 496 pages. Now wait a minute – didn’t they…. Something is certainly badly wrong in Conde Nast-ville if they can’t bring expenses in line on this title, which as we all know is all advertising anyway. 500 pages and this is the off-season for bridal titles! Are all those ad pages really going to go into Modern Bride which wasn’t even ON my newsstand? No. Some will go to competitors while others will sadly just vanish.
Hemming Motor News was almost 600 pages. This is getting out of hand. Hemmings is almost all classified advertising for classic cars - the type of product that the Internet was personally hand-crafted to disintermediate entirely? How does this title keep thriving in print?!!
Another magazine bucking the trend was High Times. The venerable how-to guide for stoners was a beefy 138 pages with more growing lights, pipes, scales, soda-can safes, and “Indoor Hydro Superclosets,” than certainly I ever dreamed even existed. I guess there is still a decent market for, er, highly-focused niche titles, including this new one I noticed, “A Bear’s Life,” which is targeted at large, bearded gay men. Now that is a niche magazine!
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