Virgin America Announces Capital Upgrade Plan

NEW YORK, OCTOBER 21, 2009 -- Maverick airline Virgin America announced a series of capital improvements designed to improve the passenger experience of travelers departing from it’s JFK terminal.

“We’ve selected what we call the “Virgin” segment of the flying audience and decided to maximize their interaction with our brand,” noted Virgin CEO Richard Branson, who was wearing a bra, panties , and a purple wizard’s cape as he parachuted onto the roof of Terminal 4 for an impromtu press conference.

The announcement, involving at least $46,000 of expenditures, highlighted changes in colors, scents, and overall customer ambiance.

“To start, we’ve painted all the seats a deep dark red, just like Apple’s Bono IPod,” began Branson, “and we have instituted a new policy wherein at least two out of three stewardesses will be on board with virtually no experience serving passengers so they can maintain that sexily clumsy look, evoking sympathy from our passengers and taking their mind off the abnormally long flight delays. Really quite entertaining, “ said Branson.

Another exciting development which Mr. Branson was eager to demonstrate was the attachment of small replicas of flies inside the men’s room urinals. “See isn’t this fun? Target practice, “ smiled the diminutive elfin CEO as he candidly relieved himself in front of horrified reporters.

While apparently urged to open some sort of food emporiums that would serve breakfast in Terminal Four by his American project executives, Branson dismissed the need. “One of our larger investments in T4, as we call it, is an aromatherapy device that dispenses pleasing scents throughout the terminal. Our type of flyer is typically wan and starving anyway and will appreciate our catering to his or her sensitivities. And don’t forget the hip purple lighting onboard,” boasted the bearded executive.

When interviewed, exiting passengers seem confused, “don’t asked me how the flight was,” exclaimed an angry Clem Haskins from Covington, Kentucky, “two different flight attendants spilled drinks on me and I could hardly breathe with that there perfumy smell.”

Waiting passenger Toby Babcock was seen trailing a large carry-on bag back and forth from one end of the terminal food, “it took me 2 hours to get to the airport for a 6 hour flight with no food. What the hell are these guys thinking?”

When asked about this, Branson said that in order to project the proper European image, none of the restaurants would open before ten am, known internally at Virgin as the “continental policy.” “No hip European would travel by plane before late morning at the earliest – we’re simply bringing civilization here to JFK.”